GHETTO TIMES STAFF WRITER
Flint – Its first installment, the Just Got Back Tour (which smartly was an acronym for all the artists performing) was received by many as the must see tour of a lifetime, probably the best that ever was.
The tour featured: Justin Timberlake, Usher, Shakira, Tara Eason, Jojo, OutKast, The Neptunes, Beyonce, Alicia Keys, Christina Aguilera, and Kanye West. Jojo filled in as the G, even though there was no G in her name. Nonetheless, critics raved about the stars saying they were the top performers of the day and that this tour was the greatest ever, hands down.
But now, those same artists – with a couple of new additions – want to repeat that success with the sequel tour, “The Greatest Damned Tour Ever.” Half of the proceeds go to the one campaign, which Tara Eason is heavily involved with because she feels self conscious about the mass exodus that she caused in Flint just two years ago.
“I have nightmares, I see babies getting engulfed in my booty cellulite and – and I just can’t bare it. I have to help somehow.” Eason said candidly.
“The Greatest Damned Tour Ever” consists of the artists who were featured in the Just Got Back Tour among these new partiers: Lindsay Lohan, Kelly Clarkson, Maroon 5, John Legend, Jack Johnson, Coldplay, Rolling Stones, The Killers, Velvet Revolver, Eve, Missy Elliot, Ciara, Madonna, U2, Mariah Carey, Gwen Stefani, Busta Rhymes, The Pussycat Dolls, and William Hung. G- Unit has since been dropped from the schedule due to the fact that no one cares about them.
And with the lofty list of a-list performers, one would expect the tickets to be in the triple digits. However, that’s quite the opposite. We caught up with tour representative Ann Chovies to discuss the issue.
“Yes, if you buy a ticket individually it will be expensive…around the $200 mark. But if you buy it in groups, that’s different. For instant, 5 people would cost only $20 per ticket. So if you do the math, the grand total would only be $100. Plus, any amount of money you donate to the one campaign, a dollar is deducted from your ticket price.” Chovies said briefly.
So there you have it all you ghetto fabulous gangstas and all you rich bitches…grab four of your friends and hook yourselves up with those bitchin’ tickets. You won’t regret, I mean…did you not read the list of performers?
JOLIE ADOPTS ETHIOPIAN
Ok, let’s make a bet…who here thinks the next one is going to be Polish? Any takers?
EASON DONATES TO AFRICA
It’s her self-proclaimed homeland and supposedly she still feels bad about her early 2003 colossal cellulite explosion that swiftly shoved Flint into a famine period and turned the place into utter chaos similar to 28 Days Later.
“It still creeps into my dreams and morphs them into dark nightmares,” Eason told Diane Sawyer on Primetime>Live, “I vehemently disagree that Africa isn’t a place to help, it most certainly is. They need my assfat the most, you know.”
ANISTON GETS SUPPORT, FRIENDLY
At a recent press conference, a stupid little girl ran and shoved a “Team Aniston” shirt in Jennifer’s face. Jennifer looked delighted and asked where she got it from. I assume the next day; Team Jolie members were busy prepping plans to egg this girl’s house.
Meanwhile, friends of Pitt have reported that he still has feelings for Aniston. Just don’t tell that to Oprah or she’ll pounce.
‘CHOCOLATE FACTORIES’ CLASH
Gene Wilder, the original Willy Wonka from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory has expressed hatred towards Tim Burton and all who is involved with the much more to the book remake Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. But who really cares what Wilder has to think? We all love Johnny Depp so he best step off. Holla.